a moment in my head #2

I was on the ferry from Port Angeles to Vancouver Island this afternoon and was very uncomfortable. I don't like water in general, and if you read my post of the Wind River incident from last weekend, it was not pleasant. although it was fortunate. I see that now. so I was looking out at this vast expanse of water, thinking, it could swallow me up. then I pulled out my Mind and It's Potential book from the Tibetan studies course I'm taking. It says to do a breathing meditation and a motivational dedication. To get out of our own self-centeredness is the key of the Mahayana tradition. 

So I worked through my gut wrenching anxiety and fear with those prescribed meditations. I kept thinking, "I am awareness, and this ocean is but a drop in the infinite sea of awareness, and is not separate from me. it is relative form, emerging from the vast emptiness. I am that emptiness". and stuff like that. I did that and tried to calm our two dogs, zippy and mackie, who were a bit weird about being on the boat.

I sat there and noticed periodically that a couple different people were staring at me, but in a connected way, not a judgemental way. it was as if they knew what I was doing. I had tears streaming down my face, and didn't move to wipe them off. I breathed, and let the ocean breathe. I let my mind become the sea, in a sense, and breathed with it.

then I became ok with being on the ferry and went to walk around and take pictures. see, that's the thing about compassion. you have to have someone else who is suffering to be compassionate TO. and that's the thing about trancendance. you have to have your own suffering, and difficulty, to have something to transcend.

I saw my panic attack as an opportunity to practice. I didn't want to miss out on the chance to see the fear and pain as a blessing. Sounds weird, but it's really not. It worked out very well. Which is why I wanted to share it with you. 

-d