near death ...or as close as I ever want to be

So we have been trying to explore primitive Hot Springs in Oregon and Washington. We went last week and couldn't find one after an hour in the bush, so we went back this weekend to try again. We took a very nice trail down some hills and finally got to the Wind River. We were about to give up and leave when a guy came down the hill and said the hot springs were right there...across the river. So we followed him down and he swam across the river. 

After tentatively standing in the river waist high for about 20 minutes, I finally got Tysa to come down and try the crossing. She's a good swimmer and stronger in the upper body than I am. So she finally went for it, but got pulled into the rip current and downstream. But she made it and said it was cool for me to do it. So I eventually went in. You can see in the picture a little bit upstream from where I went in. I got a few feet, hit the current, lost my composure, and my breath, and got pulled downstream as well, until I frantically got past it to the other side. The water is like 12 feet deep where I was crossing, which is safer I think than trying to walk over in betwen boulders in chest high water. For a moment there, I thought I had about 3 seconds to live. It was not cool. And that impacted me about 10 mintues later in a big way when I contemplated getting back across. 

So I made it, and checked out the hot hole, and it was fine, but I was a little freaked out about getting back. I got back to Tysa and had myself a little panic-anxiety seizure. Started crying, and felt like I was never going to get back over there. I went downstream to some girls that were like mountain man types and asked for help, but they told me no. I went back to Tysa and had the little freak out, then she told me to go ask them again, because they obviously had been going back and forth all day. So I did, and they said basically fuck off. So I asked again and they finally gave me some idea of how they got across. So I went in and doggie paddled, which isn't very powerful but it's how I swim, then got to the current and tried a couple power strokes. I started to panic again, but then, I went into practise mode. I'm in the water. Feeling the temperature. Calm. Paddling. Big strokes now. Take your time. Feeling. Looking. Took a mouthful of water. But then I got to the other side. Gone Gone Gone, to the other shore. Just like I had never left!

I noticed the scent of insence, and the feeling of lamas near me, standing guard again. I've felt this before, a while back. I think if I hadn't been practising all these years, I would have not been able to make it. It was a heavy day, and I'm appreciative of life in this moment in a new and beautiful way. But that experience was a real drag man. In a sense...

-d